Striving...in vain

I am striving, though I am not sure for what.  I am sure, however, that my striving is in vain.  I am doing so much and so little at the same time.  I move forward, only to fall backward....

My life is really good, and not so good at the same time.  Does that place me among so many other similarly situated women?  Perhaps, but I don't want to be there.  I am part of a bigger group, but nonetheless alone.

These thoughts are expressed out of frustration, and nothing more.  As often is done, I will dismount from my self-pity perch and prop myself up on my blessings bench.  I belong firmly on the latter, rather than balancing on the former.

Well, there is one thing for which I can successfully strive....  I will run today. 

Gone but not forgotten

Three years ago today, I smoked my last cigarette.  While cigarettes are gone from my life, they are not forgotten.  I envy those people who quit and then can't stand the smell of smoke.  I still love that smell.  I breath it in on those very few occasions I am exposed to it. 

I didn't smoke all the time, or continuously, but for quite some time cigarettes were in my arsenal.  Now they're not.  I am proud and grateful that I haven't enjoyed even a puff since three years ago today, but....

Cravings exist all too frequently.  At times, I view cigarette smoking as an indulgence.  However, I know that it's not one in which I can partake.  One puff would lead to one cigarette, to one pack, and then....

I am stronger than the unhealthy habit of cigarette smoking, but sometimes I get so tired of being so strong.  Why do I often feel like mourning, rather than rejoicing?

Well, today I will run....

Moderation Matters

This week's lessons are in moderation.  I don't have to do it all at once; tackling a piece of a project provides plenty of pleasure.

This moderation thing plays into time management issues nicely.  

I don't have time to do all of the yard work, but I can complete a small discrete section.  The pictured result utilized rocks that I had elsewhere on the property.  I bought a bag of mulch, of which I used just a bit.  I got exercise by lifting, bending, and hauling.  I got fresh air.  I now have plenty of satisfaction.

The same can be said for my living room.  I don't have to redecorate and clean the whole thing all at once.  A little time spent wth my hope chest results in a lot of satisfaction.  I finally put away my woolens, leaving the top of my hope chest to collect dust.  With a clean slate, I then took books and seashore-inspired items from elsewhere in my house, and made a peaceful place.  The rest of my living room is being taken over by dog hair and dust, but this portion is perfect, for a few minutes anyway.

The feeling of accomplishing a small project surely is better than the paralysis of realizing that time and money constraints won't permit completion of the entire intended project.

Right now, I will focus on what I accomplished with moderation, rather than on what my over-achieving self insanely added to my action register. 

I embrace moderation as a survival tactic.  In the past, I have run from moderation.  After all, how could I embrace the word moderate when Marriam-Webster associates it with mediocre, and defines in part as, "having average or less than average quality?"  Oh, please....  My almost 50-year-old practical self will embrace the other aspects of the definition, including, "avoiding extremes of behavior or expression : observing reasonable limits."

Having had a few minutes of contemplation, I now am ready to tackle what promises to be a way too busy day with my very active 9 year-old Son, who makes all of the craziness worth it.  He constantly amazes and challenges me.   

Taking control

Remembering to think about what I can control and what I cant't control is key to my current success.      There's so much I can't control, and I need to let that go.  Instead, I need to focus and act on what I can control.  To that end, I had limited control over my schedule today, which was devoted primarily to the little league opening day.  Mid afternoon, however, I took control and went for a 3 mile run outside.  As a result, tonight is better....  I am more at peace.  Even better is that I had a successful run....  I ran rather fast, for me anyway, and felt great.

 I have been fighting aches and pains.  I think I need to run them out of my body, literally.  I am feeling better physically, mentally, and emotionally.  Contributing to those feelings is the grateful fact  that I actually slept 6 hours straight the past 2 nights.  That hasn't happened for as long as I can remember....

We'll see what comes my way, but I am better prepared thanks to Thursday's and today's runs outside.      Lest I forget how my runs benefited from my Nike+ running app and the music on my iPhone!

Let nature nurture

Times have been tough for me, and so much tougher for so many others. Tonight, as I sit under a tree outside during my son's soccer practice, I will let nature nurture me. The rock wall intrigues me....

Though I have been walking and going to the gym, it has been weeks since I ran outside. Today, I decided it was too long. I laced up and ran a slow 3 miles. My to do list remains a daunting mess, but tonight I am more at peace because I am letting nature nurture me.

Sandwich Sunday - mixed emotions

I am so grateful to have my sandwich Sundays, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  However, these days take a lot out of me; my emotions run wild. 

Sometimes, I leave my Mom eating her dinner by herself so that I can get home to eat dinner with my Son.  My heart breaks just a little bit every time I leave her.  I want to stay, but I have to leave.  At least I get to see her, and to spend time with her.  Now that she's about 6 weeks away from her 93rd birthday, each time I leave, a part of me wonders what the next chapter in her life will be....

My Son likes to stay up late Friday and Saturday nights, so getting him to settle down on Sunday nights is challenging.  I often feel that I don't spend enough time with him on Sunday, which causes my heart to break just a little bit.

As I left my Mom's house and my Son's room at the end of my time with them today, each told me that they love me.  The tears of sadness turn to tears of happiness, and my heart heals a little bit more....

mind murmur - marathon weekend and more....

It's Boston marathon race weekend. Though it was 14 years ago that I ran Boston, I still carry that accomplishment with me. I have written about my marathon before, and I am sure that there's still more to write. For now, I am happy to have the memories close at hand.

The 6 months from 6.2 to 26.2 miles remain as a reminder of what is possible. Every once and a while I think about doing another marathon. Right now, though, the timing is not right.

My focus is elsewhere, and my running is not as predominant as I know it would need to be for another successful marathon.  I’m glad that I fit in a half marathon in 2012; that will satisfy my race wanderlust for now.  Currently, my focus for 2013 is to position myself as best as possible for turning 50 in early 2014.  That age would put me in a new race age group, and, oh, what possibilities might await….

Currently, I am thinking about judging and being judged.  It’s a takeaway for me, one of many in fact, having read Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In.  Also, recent events in my life have brought this issue to the forefront. 

We live by, and sometimes in spite of, decisions we make.  Support for those decisions is critical.  If today’s decision turns out not to be right or good for whatever reason, we can make another decision tomorrow.  It’s okay.  We should be able to do that with confidence.