Vice voiding

Voiding what has been a vice is critical to this remaking. While I never considered myself to be a cigarette smoker, I did smoke cigarettes.

I joked that it was my vice – I had to have one. I couldn't be all good. It was something I did sometimes. Unlike many, I did not smoke in certain social situations. Most often, I smoked alone – it was “my thing.”

Smoking was not something I did regularly. It was, however, in my arsenal. Regrettably, it became a fix. Though I know that it did not fix anything, it did provide some sick pleasure for me.

Last year, I decided that I needed more time, money, and health. I would get a little bit of each by not smoking cigarettes.

On March 1st, my husband caught me smoking. He freaked out. More significant, however, was when my then five-year-old son said “what’s the problem, she does it all the time.” I never smoked in front of my son, or so I thought. So much can be written about that day (as well as ones before and after), but just getting a bit of it in writing is enough for now. After that day, as I had been doing, I did not smoke much. Deep down, however, I still clung to my vice as a grape clings to a vine.

Finally, on Friday, June 12, 2009, I smoked what I know in my heart must be my last cigarette. I do so terribly miss this vice, but I know it is for the best. I certainly do have a bit more time, money, and health.

In the past, cigarettes certainly were not always part of my life. However, too often they were something I fell back on. Most of my stories do not include cigarettes, but too many do. Significantly, I remember walking alone in the Public Garden at about 6:30 on the morning I was to run the Boston Marathon. I smoked a cigarette before proceeding to the lavish Ritz Carlton breakfast offered to the Judge Baker Children’s Center team, of which I was a member. Afterward, I successfully completed what I call My Marathon in 4:25:19.

It now has been more than 7 months since I smoked what I vow to have been my last cigarette. I certainly have avoided this vice for longer periods of time in the past. While it was avoided, I must admit to myself that it was never voided. Until now.

What works?

In the end, I have to do what works for me. Way too much information exists about success, happiness, and being healthy. Bits and pieces might be helpful, but the precise mechanics must work within my ability, schedule, and comfort level.

Deciding on what works requires prioritizing -- what I need to do, what I want to do, and what I should do. For me, prioritizing also includes the opposite -- what I do NOT need to do, what I do NOT want to do, and what I should NOT do. Three things on each list are sufficient; spending too much time making the lists, rather than working them, is not productive. The lists can and should change / be modified on a regular basis. They are meant to provide a frame of reference and reminders as my remaking proceeds.

Effective action items are those that advance my needs and wants. Running is a perfect action item for obvious reasons. Another action item is cooking dinner. The benefits to my family, health, and wallet are significant. It’s also fun. Finally, I can satisfy my desires to be creative (deciding what to prepare and how to present it) and to learn (finding and following recipes).

Thoughts about me at the start and at the finish also will help. Keeping in mind that I can’t control / change the world and others is critical. Similarly critical is acknowledging that: I do control my thoughts, actions, and words; and I can change my attitude.

What I need to do:

1. Work at my job
2. Care for my son
3. Take care of myself

What I want to do:

1. Be fit
2. Enjoy my family
3. Make a difference

What I should do:

1. Reach out to others
2. Appreciate what I have
3. Give myself credit

What I do NOT need to do:

1. Be the perfect Mom
2. Weigh 115 pounds again
3. Have an exquisitely decorated 3000 square foot house

What I do NOT want to do:

1. Yell too much
2. Waste time
3. Worry about what is expected

What I should NOT do:

1. Obsess over money
2. Have too many projects going at once
3. Smoke

Thoughts of the Start and Finish:

Start -- I am an educated working woman in her mid-forties. I am a mom and wife. I am the eighth child in a traditionally Irish Catholic family from Boston. I am an attorney. I have a job. I am over 7 years into my second marriage. I own my home with a mortgage that is not more than my house is worth. I have some retirement savings. I am healthy, and weigh about 138 pounds. I guess I am part of the average middle class. I have issues. I can be a loud-mouthed control freak who wants everyone’s approval. I am a dreamer and a perfectionist. I want it all, but have yet to define the word all in the context of me.

Finish -- I know that I can finish particular tasks, including a race when I cross the finish line. Finishing does not, however, translate to my life – I never will be finished making me. That’s an exciting, and sometimes daunting thought. Characterizing this time as a remaking feels reasonably realistic. For now, I guess I will artificially and crudely define the finish as when I weigh about 123 pounds. Though extremely superficial, I know that I can reach this finish only by taking so many positive steps that will not be superficial.

Sometimes I feel guilty about wanting more because I already have so much. However, it’s really not wanting more, but instead doing more with what I have and striving to be the best that I can be.

Why wait?

I have been planning to remake myself, thinking about what form the process and I would take. During 2009, I took what I now view as steps. They were not enough. Things are going well, but I want more. This remaking will include changes to by body, mind, and spirit. I will get more fit. I will learn something new each day. I will use a positive attitude to help others.

The 2009 steps included running, but too sporadically. I ran 4 races: a 5K in March; a 10K in April; a 5K in June; and the 7.1 mile Falmouth Road race in August. Toward the end of the year, I was trying to get into a routine. It did not work too well. In November, I had my annual physical exam. I gained 8 pounds since my prior annual. They are not too much in and of themselves. However, I don’t want to make such a weight gain an annual occurrence.

I have been working at my job so many hours. Generally, it’s okay because I like what I am doing and I have enough flexibility still to spend time with my Son, who turned 6 at the end of December. I am getting quite a bit of satisfaction from my job. I am learning, but want to learn more outside my job, simply for the sake of learning.

My life has been too secluded. I have tried to reach out to others with varied success. Helping others always has been important to me. I have resolved myself, for now, to helping my Son and my 89 year old Mother. I also have to help myself because when I do I am a better woman, mother, daughter, wife, and employee.

During a recent conversation with a health care professional, I had a real awakening. I explained that life gets in the way of my running. Then, I realized that running is part of my life, and has to be fit in. Fitting me in is critical.

Several weeks ago, a neighbor mentioned running a half marathon to raise money for a charitable foundation. Wow, that would be perfect for me, and just what I need as a structure for my remaking. It will happen. I am ready. Currently, I am laying a foundation. Most importantly, I am getting into an exercise routine. There is no reason to wait. It is time to remake!

Newly named

My mind and heart are racing with the endless possibilities available to me. So much will be recorded. I wanted to include MORGANizer in the title, but that is my global signature, and, therefore, included in the tag line.

The main title evidences my current focus, again remaking myself. In the past, remaking myself has included running. The number 2 represents my son and me, the 2 that matter the most. I only can control myself -- my thoughts, actions, and words. I need to care for my son, who just turned 6.

Keeping the 2 in check will only benefit the rest of my life -- my work, my husband, and my family. Talking about that list will have to wait until later.

Simply start

This is my first posting. I have created this to track yet another of my remakings. Gratefully, I embark on this journey. It is one of many that I have taken.