Vice voiding

Voiding what has been a vice is critical to this remaking. While I never considered myself to be a cigarette smoker, I did smoke cigarettes.

I joked that it was my vice – I had to have one. I couldn't be all good. It was something I did sometimes. Unlike many, I did not smoke in certain social situations. Most often, I smoked alone – it was “my thing.”

Smoking was not something I did regularly. It was, however, in my arsenal. Regrettably, it became a fix. Though I know that it did not fix anything, it did provide some sick pleasure for me.

Last year, I decided that I needed more time, money, and health. I would get a little bit of each by not smoking cigarettes.

On March 1st, my husband caught me smoking. He freaked out. More significant, however, was when my then five-year-old son said “what’s the problem, she does it all the time.” I never smoked in front of my son, or so I thought. So much can be written about that day (as well as ones before and after), but just getting a bit of it in writing is enough for now. After that day, as I had been doing, I did not smoke much. Deep down, however, I still clung to my vice as a grape clings to a vine.

Finally, on Friday, June 12, 2009, I smoked what I know in my heart must be my last cigarette. I do so terribly miss this vice, but I know it is for the best. I certainly do have a bit more time, money, and health.

In the past, cigarettes certainly were not always part of my life. However, too often they were something I fell back on. Most of my stories do not include cigarettes, but too many do. Significantly, I remember walking alone in the Public Garden at about 6:30 on the morning I was to run the Boston Marathon. I smoked a cigarette before proceeding to the lavish Ritz Carlton breakfast offered to the Judge Baker Children’s Center team, of which I was a member. Afterward, I successfully completed what I call My Marathon in 4:25:19.

It now has been more than 7 months since I smoked what I vow to have been my last cigarette. I certainly have avoided this vice for longer periods of time in the past. While it was avoided, I must admit to myself that it was never voided. Until now.